NEW YEAR'S EVE-A PAST, THE PRESENT

This morning my Alabaster Box is principally for "All Mine". This is to tell them about the most devastating day in my life. Next month I will have lived 3/4 of a century so that is a lot of days. 

It is New Year's Eve, 2014 and I really don't like New Year's Eve. I have been awake since before 3 this morning with another New Year's Eve on my mind but then that day has been much on my mind for a good bit of this year so this morning is not so different from the last several months.

It was December 31, 1959, I was 19 years old, one month shy of 20 and I was 9 months pregnant with my second child who was due at any time. There had been problems for most of my pregnancy with bleeding and labor pains, trips to the doctor only to be sent home when the labor stopped.

A couple of months before, my mother was in a wreck and was seriously injured. My tv hadn't been on so I had not seen the news, didn't know until my brother and sister knocked on my door. They sat me down before they told me Mom was in the hospital. She had told them she was afraid that I would lose the baby now. 

Back to New Year's Eve, I had stayed the night before at Mom's and Dad's so I wouldn't be alone in our apartment while Len worked on the 3rd shift. When he came in we went home but he had plans to go hunting at his Mom's and Dad's in Indiana and as he was wont to do, he would do as he planned no matter what. I told him today was the day I was going to have this baby. He was rather upset with me for having the audacity to upset his plans. 

There were no pains or other indications that today was the day but I just had that feeling. The baby was moving oddly. Not the gentle stretching and moving about but a wretching, flopping that I had never experienced before or since in my later pregnancies.

Len was like a cat on a hot tin roof. He said he had some things to do and would be back shortly but shortly didn't come. 

By late afternoon, I knew I had to call someone because labor had set in and I was at home by myself with 2 year old Jeff and had no car. It is a good thing Mom was able to drive after her wreck and had gotten another car. We took Jeff to their house to be taken care of by my Granny, called the doctor and went to the hospital in full blown labor. 

Labor stopped once again but it was decided that I should stay at least for the night and Mom went home. 

I could hear the girl in the next room having such a hard time. I found out later that she and I were the same age, she was the daughter of one of Len's coworkers and she had a breech birth. 

I drifted off to sleep when things quieted after she was taken to delivery but excruciating pain brought me out of that. The nurse couldn't believe the baby was already crowning because she had checked not long before. I was rushed into delivery but was told the doctor wasn't there so the baby couldn't be born right now. I was groggy but had the sensation of the baby moving out and being pushed back in several times then was given something to knock me on out. 

"Carolyn, Carolyn", the doctor was trying to get me awake. "The baby didn't make it". He had a permission for me to sign to allow an autopsy to be done on the baby. I was 19, I was alone, I was groggy, I was heart broken and I signed the paper. 

The baby was a boy. I named him Larry after my brother. He was born before midnight on December 31, 1959. He would be 55 years old today. He would be handsome like his older brother, Jeff. I know this because they tell me he looked just like Jeff had when he was born 2 years earlier. I never saw him or held him. He was named Larry because I had been so sure this baby was going to be a girl but Larry bet me if it was a boy he was to have his name and he won. Larry had been my rock through this pregnancy. He took photos of the baby for me but they were destroyed before I could see them. He and Len were the only ones at baby Larry's graveside as I lay in the hospital unable to be there or help with any arrangements.

This bothered me for many years that Larry didn't have a proper, respectful goodbye-that he was in a graveyard by himself till 1995 when I could have him moved to be with my Granny with his family in attendance. His two grandmothers [both of his grandfathers had passed a few years before], his brother, Jeff, his younger sisters-Kim, Donna, Melinda, his nieces and nephews, his aunts and uncles were there and I was there with his dad for a graveside service.

with my Granny

As I said before, this day, these months, have been on my mind almost constantly since August 4 when I got the call of another 19 year old who would be going through the same grief. In that case, there was no forewarning of anything wrong with the baby but there will always be that missing piece, that hole that can't be filled with anything for both those two young people. I think the room is the same as it was the day the door was shut after Isabella-cwainscott.blogspot.com/2014/10/isabella-in-gods-hands.

So, my children, my grandchildren-"All Mine": 

I've never gone into all this deeply before with any of you. This is why losing Isabella has been doubly hard, it has been being 19 again, it has been waking up in a delivery room again to be told "the baby didn't make it", it is seeing the grief and hurt Erin and Travis are going through and not being able to do or say anything that can lessen or take it all away.

This has been a hard year with losing Rick, then Isabella and going through cancer surgery and radiation but I am looking forward to great things for the coming year.

I am going into 2015 knowing that I will see them all one day. We are going to have a great time together. 

May God bless and keep you

Carolyn Wainscott

THE AFFECTS OF ADDICTIONS ON FAMILIES

On my way to lunch with "the gals" I was listening to Dr. Charles Stanley tell of a man who had owned a flourishing business, had had a wonderful family and had owned a large home but was now driving a taxi, living in a one room efficiency because he had lost everything. He had begun drinking, oh, just a social drink now and then at first but it didn't take long for alcohol to take over his life. Alcohol had become first in his life to the neglect of everything else-his business, his family, his home. How sad. 

I hope addictions have not impacted your family as it has mine. There have been several drug related deaths, loss of jobs-homes-self respect, loss of family, children uprooted and being raised by people other than their parents, distancing among family members, traffic violations, incarceration, loss of driving privileges, fines, fees-it goes on and on and the road out is a long hard one. 

5 Why should ye be stricken any more? ye will revolt more and more: the whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. 6 From the sole of the foot even unto the head there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrifying sores: they have not been closed, neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment. 

Isaiah 1:5-6 

Most tragic is the affect on the children involved-being raised by others than your parents, the embarrassment of everyone knowing what is going on. Not having nice things like your friends. The sad part is that so many of their friends are in the same condition with absentee parents. Absentee doesn't mean just physically gone, it also means spiritually and mentally. It means children having to fend for themselves. 

With all this, I have no sympathy with addictions after seeing the impact on those children and the rest of the family that has to pick up the pieces and keep things going. They don't have the luxury of copping out the way the addict has and it is a cop-out, a selfishness, a self centered mind set to get that next fix no matter what the cost to those around them. 

My take on addiction is that it is a choice, not a disease and not genetic. There may be a tendency in families towards weaknesses but in the long run it is a choice. God gave us a brain and a mind to choose how we will live our lives and everything we do affects everyone around us like a pebble thrown into a pond with radiating ripples. 

14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days

1 Kings 3:14 

The genetic argument was thrown at me over the phone by one of mine. It was what she was being taught at an alcohol half-way house after incarceration from DUIs. I told her if that was the case I was one of the biggest drug addict, alcoholics there is. Since she had never seen me take so much as a drink or smoke a cigarette, she was rather taken aback. I told her all 5 of my uncles were alcoholics and towards the end of Dad's life, he depended on alcohol to give him some relief, though temporary, from the emphysema that had him on oxygen 24/7. I had made the choice in my lifetime not to take my first drug or think that alcohol was a must for a good time. She told me I lived in denial [it is a good thing we were talking on the phone because if I could have gotten to her at that moment it might have been detrimental to her health]. 

I told her it wasn't denial if I chose every morning to get up and do the best I could without numbing myself to circumstances around me, and trust me there were circumstances, it was definitely a choice and not an excuse to excuse myself from life. Bad times may be a reason but it is no excuse. 

Yep, that's my story and I'm sticking to it so don't give me that genetic, disease, poor little ol' me tommy rot. God gave us our brain and our mind and the freedom of choice-you are what you make of it because when or if you come out of that stupor, life is still there, problems are still there but on the other side of addiction, now they are probably much worse. 

14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. 

2 Chron 7:14 

May God bless and keep you and all yours

Carolyn Wainscott

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE-THANKFUL FOR MY ROOM

There was no good news again this morning on tv either local or national with all the civil unrest and natural disasters.

All of this makes me doubly thankful for my nice cozy room in my nice home that houses 4 generations. Yes, it can get hectic, it isn't what a nice quiet retirement could be but as I sit here enjoying my little electric heater that looks like a fireplace, you won't hear me complain. I love my home and especially my room with its own bath where I can retreat for peace and quiet when I want. 

My yarn is waiting for my next project for Christmas, there is a stack already done and I have several more to do. Photos appear in my email and in messages on facebook from the girls hinting for different handmade things-hats, fingerless gloves, etc. that are too pricey for them to afford . I don't mind, actually I love doing it. They get to wear stuff no one else has and maybe a remembrance later on of the love that went into each piece and I get to pray for them as I work. It is a two-fold, two-way street, they love what I make for them and I love making it for them.  

This evening I will be working on snoods [those 40s looking hairpieces that hold long hair] for three of my granddaughters-Janna, Heather and Kaitlyn. I already have Erica's done. I found the pattern and decided to try it at some point but they saw it laying here and each wants one. 

As I work on the pieces for my girls in front of my fireplace here in my cozy room, there will be much thankfulness for even though I am far, far from being rich, a widow on Social Security, I know that I am still among the top 10% of the richest in the world. 

May God bless and keep you and all yours

Carolyn Wainscott

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here is one of my poems I wrote in 1998:

Things haven't changed much, have they? News is still the same. My circumstances are different, however. I was in a different home, I was a wife, My husband retired a couple of years after this was written. We sold that home and moved to what I thought would be my last move to Indiana but that changed also. My husband passed from cancer, that home was sold and here I am back in Ohio. Through all of this I know that God is caring for me.

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE-MY FOREVER HOME

My "I Wills" are way out the window for this week but what else is new? Tomorrow is our weekly Bible study and I got through three of five this morning and still have 2 more to finish. So much for my resolve of doing one a day that I was doing in the first weeks of the study and for a daily post of thanksgiving. If it doesn't get done before my day starts, it isn't going to get done with all the distractions that come in minute by minute-can you relate??

The study is a great one by Max Lucado called "Experiencing The Heart of Jesus" and this is the last week of a ten week study.  I love the way the author writes and brings things into my realm of everyday thinking and the new slant he gives on situations at times.

This week's study is Experiencing the Hope of Jesus. There is an excerpt from Max's book "A Gentle Thunder" -this isn't home-we don't always feel welcome here-we shouldn't-this isn't our home. Our home is where our Father is. 

Jesus said

1 Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

John 14:1-3  

Jesus is coming back for me and you and the author went on to describe his thoughts on what it will be like when all eyes will be looking into the eastern sky to see angels, angels everywhere singing Holy, Holy, Holy

and then the heavens are quiet and there He is-Jesus riding a great white stallion saying "I am the Alpha and Omega."

AWESOME-I had to write in  the margin beside that passage and just think, it could be at any time, today, tonight, tomorrow. There is a good possibility I will see His return in my lifetime and I will be in my forever home @ Mansion of God, Street of Gold, Heaven 11111. 

One of my favorite Bible passages is:

 And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True

Rev 19:11 

My forever home-that is what I am thankful for today. There have been many heartaches and heartbreaks in this lifetime but there won't be any in that beautiful place. I will get to rock those babies I didn't get to rock here and see all those I am missing. 

My Bible study was great this morning, 

Thank you, LORD, for everything and especially for my Saviour, Jesus Christ.

May God bless and keep you and all of yours today

Carolyn Wainscott

ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE-FOUR GENERATIONS

I have such grandiose intentions at times. I WILL study my Bible every day, I WILL keep the house in perfect order every day, I WILL keep the laundry all done and folded and put away and I WILL, I WILL, I WILL. 

Well, so much for all that most of the time. My "Attitude of Gratitude" was going to have a daily post-for crying out loud, I have enough to be thankful for to fill post after post after post but that hasn't been done and shame on me. 

Evidently the apostle, Paul, had much the same problem in Romans 7:15-what he wanted to do, he didn't and what he didn't want to do, he did. That doesn't excuse me in the least but makes me feel a little better anyway. 

15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

Romans 7:15 

I did accomplish a daily post of prayer for America for the challenge of 31 days of prayer so that makes me feel a little better. 

But here I am 4 days after Thanksgiving with not a word since that morning because-what I would, I don't.

There were four generations here on Thanksgiving day-wouldn't you think I would be shouting that from the rooftops-I had three generations to enjoy that I am responsible for-all of them beautiful, healthy, have roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food on their table. 

So, here is my shout!!!!!!!!

We had a great meal with turkey and all the fixin's

that had a wishbone for grandson, Rob to share with his son, Kendall

I didn't have to fix deviled eggs because our deviled egg guru, grandson, Dan, made them

My four children-Kim and Melinda [oh, that's me in center]on swing, Jeff and Donna in the back

grandchildren-Janna, Erica, David on swing, Robby, Dan, Travis, Robert [Heather & Kaitlyn weren't there nor my grandchildren and great, grandchildren who live in Indiana]

and then some of my great, grandchildren

Trinten, Kendall, Silas, Ashlynn on swing, Jenna and Breydon in back

For all of this I am truly grateful, 

Thank you, LORD. 

May God bless and keep you and all of yours

Carolyn Wainscott